


4 times Bucky was ashamed to cry and the one time he wasn't anymore

by Firefly2009



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Cuddling & Snuggling, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, HYDRA Trash Party, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kid Bucky Barnes, M/M, Men Crying, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 09:26:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16784209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firefly2009/pseuds/Firefly2009
Summary: Bucky Barnes is a man, and men are not supposed to cry.Or4 times Bucky Barnes was ashamed to cry and the time he wasn't ashamed anymore.





	4 times Bucky was ashamed to cry and the one time he wasn't anymore

*1*  
The first time was the weekend before his fifth birthday. It was a very nice Sunday, the air still held the smell of rain and freshly chopped grass and it was sunny enough for the neighborhood kids to run around. Bucky spent the afternoon chasing Eliot, the neighbor's son, across the garden. He held a wooden sword and wore a little hat his mother made him, pretending to be a pirate. He nearly catched the dire captain when he bumped into a rock (or a huge shark in his young mind) and fell to the ground. The kid started crying immediately, more because of the surprise than from the cut under his innocent eyes. His dad rushed to him, lifting his boy and taking him back home, clearly he too was caught off guard by the fall. Bucky's ma on the other hand only sighed when the crying kid was brought to her, she put down the suger she was pouring into the cup and huged her son. It wasn't unusual for Bucky to run to her with bruises on his little body, she loved the kid more than anything in the world but he could be a lot of trouble sometimes.  
"hey my darling, why are you cryin'?"  
So Bucky told her about the game and the bump and Eliot's laugh that came after.  
"James, look at me," she said cutting him off mid sentence, "you're a big boy now, almost five! You are smart and brave just like a real man. And men don't cry my angel, they wipe their tears and move on! Do you wanna be a big boy?"  
The kid nodded quickly, shame floating in his body, he was a big boy, soon he will have a little sister or brother to protect, he can't keep crying like that.  
His ma kissed his forehead softly and sent him back to the garden to play.  
Bucky swore to never cry in front of people again.

-

*2*  
It was a good day, really good even. Steve was finally getting better after a really bad flu that grounded him to his bed for almost a month. Bucky was so grateful for the color that slowly came back to his friend's cheeks that he was willing to spend all the money he had earned that month to get Steve some icecream. Steve looked like he was glowing in the sun, hair shines and eyes full of excitement. Bucky honestly didn't understand why such a wonderful boy wanted anything to do with him. Bucky was 13, only one year older than his best friend, but thanks to Steve's constant illness, the kid looked way younger. He knew that Steve envied him for that, for the way Marry Ann and the others looked at him when they thought he wasn't looking, he never understood it though. Bucky was handsome, he didn't say he wasn't, but Steve... Steve was so much more. He was so good, so much better than Bucky will ever be, he was brave and smart and sweet and talented. Bucky only wished Steve could see it too. They walked like that for a while, laughing and enjoying the sun, before arriving to the ice cream shop.  
"what flavor do ya want Stevie?"  
"Vanilla please" he said, grinning.  
When Bucky came back with two ice cream cones in his hands, Steve looked at him like he just handed him the moon wrapped up in a pretty box.  
That was the moment James Buchanan Barnes realized that he was head over heels in love with Steven Grant Rogers.  
And it was terrifying.  
It was never supposed to happen. he was a man, he should never love another man, it's wrong! even his father said so. And he tried so hard not to be sick like that, he kissed a few of the girls from school but their lips never looked as wonderful as Steve's. What an awful person he was to even wish such a terrible thing, and not only for him but for his Stevie.  
Said blonde was eating his icecream happily, Oblivious to the storm raging in his friends heart, tearing everything apart.  
Bucky was quiet all the way home and when he finally made it to his bed he started crying like he couldn't hold it back anymore.  
He was a mistake, a sinner and he couldn't even understand why, why something as pure as love can be so wrong only because it's not in the right package. He knew what people do to men like him, how they try and force it out. No one can know, for his sake and more importantly, for Steve's. He swore to always protect the kid since the first day he met him, he would prefer to die then have Steve suffer for his crime.  
He was all alone in his home, no ma and sisters running around. and alone, shameful and scared, a man could cry.

-

*3*  
It was the winter of 1936. It was freezing cold outside but Steve was burning hot. He was really sick this time, so sick that he couldn't even open his baby blue eyes. Bucky was working three jobs trying to afford medicine but nothing seemed to work. He was just sitting there running his rough hands over the soft and delicate skin, praying for anyone who would listen to save this man. Save the forbidden love of his life, the greatest mind he ever had the pleasure to have known. Bucky sat next to him for almost two hours, whispering sweet nothings as everything around him went to hell. They were allready straggling to pay rent, and affording food when Steve got sick and even after hours of work in the cold Bucky couldn't make enough money to hire the doctor. Steve was totally unconscious, barely even breathing and Bucky felt like he was living his worst nightmare. It was so unfair. Steve was everything that was good, too good for his own sake most of the time. Steve was stubborn and Opinionated and wonderful and kind and all his life he tried to do good. So why, Bucky though, Steve was on the edge of dying when he got to live. It took him years to accept the way he felt towards this punk, but he still felt unworthy of the wonderful relationship between tham. He didn't feel like he could ever repay Steve for all that he gave him just by being his friend. But he tried. And God he wished Steve could forgive him for not being able to keep him safe. He was sobbing into the blanket, stiil holding the younger man's hands, eyes red and heart broken. He wasn't thinking clearly, it felt like his entire world narrowed down to one thing. Steve. He knew it was selfish, and so damn wrong, but he could not let this kid go without knowing that someone loved him more than anything. He stroked the pretty face as big salty tears fell from his eyes and on Steve's impossibly long eyelashes. Then, with a shaky breath, he kissed him. Steve's lips were so soft, sweeter than his mother's special apple cake, and he wasn't sure how he had a willpower strong enough to ever hold back.  
Hours later when the tears had dried and the usual guilt had reddened his face, he dared to hope that his little kiss was the miracle that brought Stevie back.

-

*4*  
All it can see is red, filling every burning piece of skin and staining the white under it. White is for snow, red is for blood. And where it is, red and white don't make pink, They make freezing cold and pain stronger than anything.  
It has been like this for so long, probably forever. Only snow, nothing to wear.  
Kick, kick, kick kick, slap?  
A man laughes, it met him? Blonde, tall, eyes... Blue? The man calls the asset. It looks up.  
"isn't it a sight, all naked and pretty for us, you must be very cold ha? But that's okay, you deserves it"  
Another laugh. A woman. So so cold.  
"hit him again Misha, let's see how much more it can take before passing out"  
It felt the rough army boots hit its face so hard that it lost its balance and hit the ground. The cut on its cheek widened, tears and blood mixing under its eyes. The asset knew it deserved every punishment, only good soldiers gets rewards and it just wasn't good enough. Even if it never understood what it did wrong. Thats okay, it never understood anything anyway. Another kick, so hard it spits blood. It probably did something very wrong. The man speaks. It has to listen. It can't. "..useless little whore, can't pay attention anless you have a dick inside you ah? If It wasn't so cold I would have helped happily" the woman laughed like it was the funniest thing, was the asset supposed to laugh? No. it's forbidden, machines don't laugh. Was there ever a time it was allowed to laugh? "it is doing too well don't you think Catherina? It's been 34 hours and it is still conscious."  
The woman, Catherina, shrugged.  
"It is more fun like that , look it is crying now! You broked it Misha"  
There is a different kind of wettness on his face now. Maybe the "crying" the woman was referring to. It wasn't allowed to cry too. Will it be punished for crying as well? That woman was right, it was broken. The asset was a weapon and weapons don't ever cry. They have no will, good weapons just do what they are supposed to do, hurt and kill and don't THINK.  
It was kind of like drowning, overwhelmed by how all of tham where right, it really did an horrible thing.  
Kick, kick, frosted chains kepping him in place.  
As he lost his vision and finally passed out,  
The asset knew he deserved everything.

-

*5/+1*  
They took so much from him for so long, Bucky still struggled to accept that. They took his freedom, his safety, his mind and soul. They took his body to use and then hurt him again and it took him months of therapy to finally accept that he was a victim. That none of it was his fault. Bucky still wakes up crying and screaming every night, he still runs to the bathroom to scrub his hands clean every time a stranger touches him, he still isn't good at asking for what he wants and he still loves Steve. More than anything.  
Steve is the only thing that feels right, whole.  
It isn't easy and it took them a while to understand each other's needs again, Steve too careful around him and Bucky too scared to ask for comfort. But once he did, Steve didn't hold back anymore, using every excuse to hold Bucky close to him. Bucky knows Steve is only being a friend but the little friction of hope that still remained in him is dedicated to the thought that Steve might want more.  
They were lying on his bed when it happened. He had his head resting on Steve's chest, cuddled and safe as they listened to some Beatles songs Bruce insisted they have to know.  
"I like this one" he whispered  
"yeah? I do too"  
Steve put down the book he was reading and brushed his long fingers through his hair. Unaware of its affect on Bucky's heart.  
"you look calm, Buck"  
"I feel good. With you. Warm."  
"good. I'm happy"  
Steve kissed his hair softly. Then, when Bucky lifted his head a little, he was showered with so much love his heart exploded. He smiled and enjoined the feeling, a kiss to his trample and each cheek and big strong hands squeezing him.  
"God, I love you"  
And than came the silence.  
Steve's cheeks reddened and he took his hands away, terrified of Bucky's reaction. They just got each other back and Buck has been through so much and he can't lose him again. He can't! Then tears filled Bucky's eyes and Steve's heart broke.  
"I'm so sorry Buck! I didn't mean to I mean I did mean what I was saying but.."  
Bucky really didn't bother listening, all that was important was that Steve loved him. Him. After all that he did and all this time this wonderful magnificent stupid punk still somehow loves him. He was crying like a baby because luck was never his thing and he lived for decades thinking he didn't deserve anything this good and somehow he got Steve. On the third apology his lips met Steve's. And it was better than everything he could ever hope for, soft lips that tasted like coffee and cinnamon and happiness. He was crying cause he couldn't believe he could be this happy.  
For the first time in decades, safe and cherished and Wraped in Steve's embrace, Bucky wasn't ashamed of crying.  
He somehow got lucky enough to find someone who would just kiss him gently and wipe away the tears.

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING  
> English is not my my mother tongue so corrections will be appreciated.  
> Please leave a comment!!


End file.
